Maurice TougasFew crimes make me angrier than telephone or online scams. But I don’t know who I’m angrier at – the scammer or the victim.

The scammer is a reprehensible subhuman, preying on naive elderly people. What’s worse than that?

But I’m also angry at the naive elderly person.

Seriously, grandma, do you really think the RCMP or Canada Revenue Agency will threaten you over the phone, and that whatever the alleged problem is will go away if you buy thousands of dollars in gift cards? Think about this for a second: gift cards?

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C’mon, you’re giving us old people a bad name.

There are some scams that are pretty sophisticated. In Hong Kong recently, a wealthy widow was scammed out of $33 million, perhaps the biggest such scam in history. But no matter how sophisticated, with all the warnings from police and just the simple common sense most of us are born with, there’s no excuse to get sucked into a scam. Especially when they’re as hilarious as the following.

These are actual spam emails I received recently. They’re so crudely written and brazenly fraudulent, I can’t imagine anyone falling for them. But I thought I would share them for, if nothing else, their comedy value. Enjoy.

I desire to suppose that this message arrives to the correct person and you memorize me. Greetings! I had no way to message you earlier by reason of some occasions at job.

Though several weeks have passed. But I have sent this message in the hope of your response. Do you memorize me? I am Anastasyia. If you lost sight of my age I am 33 y.o. When we talked last time, I mentioned I seek a exalted man for something deep.

I am not interested in speaking about sex. I have no desire to exchange fantasies or nude photos. I don’t look for a man who is married or who looks up simple pleasure. I seek only a exalted man.

I let you know it from the very beginning to exclude any misunderstanding. So if you seek the same as me, I will be pleased to get your reply and I desire to learn you more. In spite of spidery of COVID 19 and there are too many bounds.

Who knows, when it finishes we could meet and view interesting locations. I have been dreaming to go to Banff National Park and Upper Canada Village. Perhaps you could come along to view these locations.

My favourite lines are the reference to the “spidery of COVID and there are too many bounds,” and dreaming of going to Banff and Upper Canada Village. The writer apparently thought Banff and Upper Canada Village are next-door neighbours. I do, however, appreciate the “exalted man” line. It’s like she knows me!

As hilarious as this letter is, nothing beats the following for pure chutzpah.

My name is Mark Zuckerberg,A philanthropist the Co- founder and CEO of the social-networking website called Facebook,As well as one of the world’s youngest billionaire’s and Chairman of the Mark Zuckerberg Charitable Foundation which is also One of the largest private foundations in the world right now.I believe strongly in‘giving while living’ I have one idea that never changed in my mind – that you should use your wealth to help people and i have decided to secretly give {$1,500,000.00} to randomly selected individuals worldwide. On the receipt of this email, You should count yourself as the lucky winner. Your email address was chosen online while searching at random.Kindly get back to me at your earliest convenience,so I know your email address is valid([email protected]) Email me. Visit the web page to know more about me: Mark_Zuckerberg/ or you can Google me (Mark Zuckerberg)


There are a few red flags with this one. Hell, there are more red flags here than at a Chinese Communist Party convention.

Mark Zuckerberg’s email address is markz844? His information is his Wikipedia page? And Mark Zuckerberg apparently doesn’t know how to use basic punctuation? OK, maybe that last one is believable, but seriously, scammer. Do you really believe this could work?

If you do, please email me at [email protected]. But only if you are an exalted man.

Maurice Tougas’s wry sense of humour has been amusing readers for years. He was twice named best columnist in Canada by the Canadian Community Newspaper Association and was a finalist for the Golden Quill award from the International Society of Weekly Newspaper Editors. He served one term as a Liberal MLA in the Alberta Legislature. For interview requests, click here.

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